Parenting Discipline

The zZense view is that Discipline is a much, much larger and more important part of parenting than simply punishment. It is the process for teaching desired behavior -- a process involving

  • Expectations
  • Encouragement
  • Correction.

Correction is a combination of positive and negative feedback. Punishment, ie negative feedback, is only one small piece of the overall process. This is very different than the common view that Discipline is punishment.

Expectations

  • Rules, boundaries
  • Reasonable, realistic, achievable
  • Fewer and simpler is better
  • Must be clear to parent
  • Ideally communicated to child, but
    • May be too complex to communicate, eg to infant
    • Parent can't anticipate everything

Encouragement

  • Stimulate courage (and desire) for desired behavior
  • Praise and encouragement not same thing

Correction -- That is, Feedback

  • Focus on
    • Effort and process rather than ability (Growth Mindset)
    • Behavior rather than person
    • Behavior under child's control
  • Sincere & specific
  • Descriptive conveying expectation
  • Avoid comparison to others
  • Combination of positive and negative feedback
    • Proportion of each is personal style
    • Negative less fashionable these days -- nonetheless important
    • Some research suggests 4:1 positive to negative
  • Verbal, physical
  • Natural consequences -- meaningful linkage between consequence and behavior "makes sense" to child

Positive Feedback -- Reward Desired Behavior

  • Can backfire -- occasional is best
    • Rewarding everything is the same as never rewarding -- neither provides useful feedback about which behavior is desired
    • Excessive rewards destroy rather than build Optimism (self-confidence)
  • Intermittent schedule -- spontaneous, unexpected
    • Expected rewards becomes entitlement
    • Behavioral psychology: intermittent reward makes behavior robust against extinguishing (with consistent rewards, accidentally failing to reward is interpreted as punishment)
    • Avoid making desired behavior feel like a "job"
  • Not for achievements that come easily, or are substandard
  • Not for things child likes doing anyway -- eg, for eating broccoli if they like it -- may make them feel its a chore (for parent's pleasure) rather than for their own pleasure
  • More tips here.

Negative Feedback -- Deter Undesired Behavior

  • Negative feedback is important -- positive not always sufficient
    • Situations with few desired behaviors OK -- rewarding the desired ones may indicate the rest as undesired
    • Situations with many desired behaviors and few undesired -- positive feedback not sufficient because can't hit all the desired behaviors. Eg, difficult to teach "don't hurt small animals" by rewarding all the other possible desired behaviors.
  • Criticism
    • May give unintended "you're a failure" message -- hurts Optimism
    • May trigger negative emotions & defensiveness that prevent the content from being effectively heard
    • Some parents avoid and only give positive feedback
    • Some suggest sandwich feedback, finding two things to praise and inserting the criticism between
      • Mixed messages can confuse child
    • High Expectations Criticism to overcome above challenges
      • Preface criticism with sincere "I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them."
      • Ie, high standards + assurance of ability + criticism
      • Informational, ie content of message can include suggestions for next time, better chance to "get through" to child
      • Research validated -- see lay article with reference to research
  • Interruption
    • Time-out
    • Immediate termination prevents bad behavior becoming habit
    • "1-2-3 Magic" is a brief, easily-read and remembered book highlighting this approach
    • Alternatively, especially with young children, distraction

Summary

Discipline is a process for teaching desired behavior. It's not a punishment. It involves a combination of positive and negative feedback to guide children's behavior to meet expectations. Encouragement keeps the process moving forward.

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